It was
a dark and stormy night. Lord Bacon,scrambling for cover after his latest
humiliation, slipped in the sad remains of Humpty Dumpty, and dizzily
stood up, with egg on his face and his boiled shirt stained.
As the
clouds parted briefly for the silvery moon, he saw Henny Penny tip-toeing
across the quad, casting furtive glances from side to side, hoping against
hope that she wasn't being watched.
Lord Bacon
approached her, and imperiously said, "Aha! From what vile deed
are you escaping?"
"Oh,"
she cried, "I was in the thornbush with Cock Robin, getting laid,
when I saw the poachers skulking about,
wielding their nets."
Lord Bacon,
leering evilly, raised one eyebrow, and archly suggested that they repair
to the nearest bistro and get fried. As they strode along the lane,
Henny Penny continued with her hare-raising tale, and as more bunnies
emerged from their burrows, she became increasingly frightened.
They were
both startled when, out of the shadows (for the moon was once again
behind a cloud), leapt the largest rabbit Henny Penny had ever seen.
"Gadzooks!,"
exclaimed Lord Bacon, in his most strident voice. "Harvey, how
many times must I speak to you about lurking amidst the shadows, bounding
out into the paths
of innocent strollers-by, scaring them out of their alleged
wits?"
"Take
a chill-pill, Dude," said Harvey, in his new street vernacular.
"I'm on my way to the Egg-Ball Cocktail Lounge and Bait Shop to
suck up a few brews, consort with the
hoi-polloi, and pick up on some doxies. Wanna go with me?
Where'd you nab the cute chick?"
Lord Bacon,
ever retaining his dignity, replied coolly, "This 'cute chick'
just happens to be Henny Penny, who is best known for her facility with
cutting instruments."
Harvey
shivered, and timorously queried, "She's not in competition with
the Rabbi, is she?" Well, that frosted
Lord Bacon, and he turned up his nose, said something about "crass,
ill-mannered lout," and continued his walk toward the tavern.
So the
three of them strolled the lane, together, laughed at the rain, together,
and ultimately, they reached their destination.
Were they
blind, they could have found the place. The sounds of riotous merriment
emanating from the premises
would even have enticed Ebenezer Scrooge. They went inside, and were
seated immediately. The waitress came to their table, and with utmost
refinement, said, "Hi, folks. What'll ya have?"
Lord Bacon,
always in charge of every situation, and having had an on-again, off-again
relationship with the waitress, felt confident in his ability to order
for the three of them. He commanded, "Eggs, Mrs. Benedict,"
to which she replied, "Shirr, Lord Bacon."
Henny
Penny still had not unruffled her feathers, and told Mrs. Benedict that
she wanted hassenpfeffer. Harvey, predictably, ordered fried chicken.
Lord Bacon,
in an attempt to mollify his two companions, suggested that they all
change their orders, to something that would offend nobody.
At that
point, Snow White walked in with her small followers. They had been
out shoplifting, and were heavily laden. They had also held up a convenience
store, and generously ordered a round of nog for everybody. She was
really angry at her husband, Higgledy Piggledy, because he
had berated her for not being "productive," and he lorded
over her the fact that he always was the one to bring home the bacon.
Lord Bacon astutely pointed out that he hadn't been at their house since
the last time the wolves blew it down, and he resented Higgledy Piggledy's
casual name-dropping.
Snow White
was in her glory. She had the funds to buy drinks for all the patrons
of the Egg-Ball, and, besides,
had brought enough apples (which she stole from her wicked step-mother),
so that everyone there could have one to munch while drinking their
nog. She'll show H.P. who can be "productive!"
Henny
Penny and Harvey agreed to change their food orders, and were about
to hail Mrs. Benedict and ask her to return to their table, when the
trumpeters blared a brilliant
fanfare, and everybody in the place stood up, catching their breath,
brushing crumbs off their bibs, and assuming
expressions of awe. They knew that the trumpeters had
spotted the goose who laid golden eggs, on her way to the
Egg-Ball.
Not only
did the goose have the respect and admiration of everyone, but, in addition,
her groupies secretly hoped to be present when she laid a golden egg,
so they could share in the bounty.
In she
came. She did not sweep majestically in as she usually did; she slunk
in, head hanging low, waddling
most awkwardly. She was pale, and she obviously had no
lists. It only took a few seconds for everybody to realize
that something was drastically, desperately amiss. The
romantic Ms. Harlequin was really taken aback by Loosey's
behavior, and opined that it was "Rilly ironic that Loosey
got the fanfare when she was abjectly disturbed."
Of course,
it fell to Lord Bacon to elicit the information they all wanted. He
most tactfully cleared his throat, spat on the floor, and said, "Loosey,
what troubles you? Has Ghandis left you for another?"
Harvey,
with his irrepressible sense of humor, commented, "We all like
an extra goose now and then...," which
comment, of course, was met with disdain.
Loosey
rolled her eyes, and lamented that she was apparently in the process
of clutching out, because her eggs, instead of being golden, changed
to a rich brown color. Not only that, but, she whimpered, "They
have these hard crusts of colored bits on top, and the bottoms of the
eggs are flat. The colors are pretty, but sometimes they rub me the
wrong way, so to speak." At that very moment, her eyes got big,
she cringed, squawked mightily, and out came an egg!
Henny
Penny, having tired of waiting for the waitress to bring their food,
pranced over to Loosey, as though to console her in her travail. At
the last moment, she veered off her course, maneuvered around behind
Loosey, and pecked at the big brown egg with the pink and yellow flowers
on top.
Harvey
called her "almost a cannibal;" Lord Bacon suggested that
she had no ruth, or couth, to peck at Loosey's egg at a time like this
when she was so sad; Mrs. Benedict angered, because she knew her tip
would now be smaller (since Loosey was now apparently serving); and
Henny Penny, not wanting to share, announced that Loosey was a litter-bug,
laying garbage eggs, but she, Henny Penny, would lower herself and clean
up after Loosey. She asked Mrs. Benedict if she had a baggie.
Mrs. Benedict
walked briskly to the kitchen, and asked the Grinch for a take-out container.
The Grinch, evil, sinister character that he was, looked through the
trash and found a small box with a cellophane window in it. It was hot
but Mrs. Benedict wasn't surprised, because she knew the Grinch would
steal anything.
Lord Bacon
saw the container, and pedantically said, "My, what a redundant
box! It has a cellophane window, through which any idiot can easily
see, and it even gives directions! 'See's,' it says, reiterating the
function of
the window. Why, it's almost like repeating itself!"
Harvey,
by this time, was weary of Lord Bacon's officiousness, and his manner
of taking charge, besides.
Henny Penny's sneaky deception also irked him to the max. He reached
into his pouch, and brought forth beautifully
decorated, chocolate eggs for everybody!
And a
good time was had by all.
The moral
of this story is that rather than viewing the celebration of Easter
from a mere superficial aspect, we
should all realize the deeper meaning of the holiday. We
should all get down on our knees, lift up our hearts and our spirits,
and be reverently thankful to the merchant See men, and See women, who
bring us CHOCOLATE!
