Stuck in someone else's frames? break free!


Thank you for your question. Not many people are smart enough to ask if “the coconut is like a cow or a goat.”

The coconut is a rather large animal, referred by the captain of the USS Enterprise space vessel as "Dribble". It is rather round, about the size of a human baby's head, and has brown fur which is somewhat rough in texture, but pretty; and, after all, it does keep it warm. The coconut has a sweet face, with two eyes and a mouth. They are arboreal creatures, and always live up high in trees that have no foliage for the first 25 feet, and have fan-like foliage at the tops, or they live on the ground beneath those strange and ugly trees. They can't run but they can roll like nothin' you've ever seen. They are shy beings, and don’t have much to say.

Milking them seems rather brutal. You need a Phillips head screwdriver and a stout hammer. Place the coconut in a vise, with its sweet little face looking up at you. Poise the screwdriver on one of its cute little eyes, and strike the handle of the screwdriver with the business end of the hammer. You have to hit it pretty hard. If you do it correctly, you will hear it squish and the screwdriver will go into the coconut's brain. Withdraw the screwdriver, and poise it above the other eye ("jeepers, creepers, where'd ya get those peepers?") and slam it with the hammer again. Gently remove the coconut from the clutches of the vise and carry it to the kitchen. [Most of us do not have vises in our kitchens – they are normally used in the garage workshop area.] [The thing we have in our kitchens is a "vice" which means an addiction to something, for example, food.]

Holding the coconut over a bowl, turn it so that its sweet little face is toward the bowl. Tip it, so that the milk within can pour out of one eye socket, while the other eye socket admits an equal amount of air (equal to the amount of milk that comes out). At the point at which the coconut has been milked to its capacity, your trusty hammer can give it a few more love pats and the flesh of the coconut is revealed. With a prying instrument (a small tire iron will do), the lovely white flesh can be separated from the coconut's furry pelt, whereupon it can be grated.

If, on the other hand, you, in the manner of a Buddhist, are averse to causing injury to living creatures, you can buy coconut milk in cans at the grocery store in the Asian section. For our gatherings, about twice each year, we serve Rijstaffel which requires a great amount of coconut milk. Joanne found 96 oz cans of it and bought 3. The first one I opened appeared to have a little rather hard substance at the top. Rather hard – sheesh! - it was very hard. I had to get a small crow-bar to pry it loose from the inside of the can. With the assistance of my immense partner, the can was emptied into a large pot. The "crust" was actually four inches thick. It melted nicely with heat, and it proved to me that coconut milk is extremely fat-laden, and it is no wonder that it was capable of nourishing those few humans who were not cannibals and were able to break them. I had always believed that the herbivorous humans had died at the hands of cannibals, but perhaps the coconuts took their revenge by issuing mass quantities of bad cholesterol.


After all this, I have learned that the liquid that comes out of the coconut is coconut juice; coconut milk is made by steeping grated coconut in whole milk, then straining it, pressing hard to get all the liquid. Oops!


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